kelso defranco

I hate my imagination the majority of the time that I'm awake or asleep. Last night was no different. I first saw the creepy imagine in my mind when I was at DQ getting something to eat, I stood up quickly and then back down even faster and almost puked. I was so afraid. I had bad, terribly bad vibes for the rest of the night.

Then I got home, spent some time on the computer and Will called. I wasn't really thinking about the scary monster until I started to fall asleep while I was on the phone with him. That's when it just slammed its fists into the ground, jumped up and ran towards me. I jumped awake and I could hear Will humming to something or other.

I suppose, 'wow' escaped my lips and he asked 'what', and I told him about how I hate my imagination and then he asked me why, and I told him that I had seen a scary monster. Then he told me he loved me, my fear began to ebb away, but I still saw the monster.

After that I started coughing.
"I've been getting attacked by coughing fits ever since I came home from DQ."
"That's strange."
"I don't cough."
"Not unless you're angry."
"Or sick."
"Or sick ..."
"And usually I'm angrily coughing because I'm sick."
"Well, don't worry about it. It's probably nothing."
"Yeah, probably."
[he knows me well, even though i'm still coughing]

Then that monster chased me in my dreams, murdered me and I had an outer body experience as I watched it eat my lifeless body.

I woke up to my parents having gone grocery shopping without me, which upset me because mum asked me to go with her last night, and I was like, "Yeah, sure." So instead of going shopping, I groggily got out of bed and took a really hot shower. Most of the stress that had taken refuge in my back from the fear of my nightmare had managed to go away, but there's still some tension. So obviously I'm going to look a little wide-eyed and weary today.

Hopefully I get to see Will. I miss him.

Fuck, I hate it so much. Seriously, I really don't like it. I've never liked it. Except last year I loved it 'cause I hadn't seen it for four winters. You should of seen my face when I found out it was snowing for the first time. It was like telling me that it was Christmas, my heart burst with happiness, my eyes widened in excitement, and I put on as many clothes as I could before I headed out and played in it. Actually, that was the day after I found out it snowed. The night it was snowing I walked out there in my Element jacket with it unzipped and showing my bra, and my Eeyore pajama pants and bare feet. I was hot out there with just that on.

But now I remember why I hate it so much; People throw it at me and it gets in my face and on my glasses. I really don't like my glasses being messed with. And since my parents don't believe in my belief on the less I wear the warmer I am outside, I'm forced to be freezing cold with ten layers on. My body starts to go blue like it did when I was younger, my lips turn purple and the glossy eyes that I had? Yeah, that dulls. You can literally see the life degenerate when I'm out in the snow.

And that doesn't apply for summer. The part where I said, "the less I wear the warmer I am". When it comes to summer, I'm cold, so when I go outside I warm up slowly. I miss the sun and the warmth, 'cause I want to tan so badly. And I want to fucking swim. T_T

I nearly drowned myself in my own bathtub last night 'cause I wanted to be underwater to badly. Obviously I'm okay, but the ache to be under the water is like terrible. It's like the ache to breathe after you've been holding your breath for a long time.

I drew a face last night, she looks uncomfortable even though she's smiling. I'm probably going to take it to Wills' and put it in the fire. She doesn't want to be on paper anymore. [believe me, you can see it. throwing her away wouldn't do it]

Kara's gonna dye my hair when she gets back from work. It's gonna be different. People haven't seen me with this colour in a decade.

Although, apparently by mum's wishes, if it doesn't stop snowing I'm not allowed to see Will today. Which will suck. But I'm not going to let that happen. I'll walk to Wills' from my house if I have to. Don't think I won't do it, because I seriously will.

Another reason to hate the snow ...

I believe that is all.

[i wanna be red, but i'm colourless in that area.]

Calling all sorcerers with decoder rings!

Wow, you can see the veins in my left arm extremely well right now. I cut off circulation by resting my hand on the edge of my desk. Don't worry, I fixed it, mostly.

I have a WR on my right wrist, with LOVE [upside down to me] underneath it. And guess what part of the "R" has a blister on it? The part where it connects to the circular bit, the beginning of the leg is more like it. Haha, guess where I got the blister from? Hot lasagna sauce dripping off the plastic film of my microwavable lasagna dinner. 'Cause one, I'm lazy as hell, and two, I was fucking hungry as fuck.

Monday was interesting. It makes me happy but tired at the same time when I think about it. Of course I feel like I haven't been getting as much sleep as I used to, and that's probably true. Can you believe it's five in the morning on my Aunt's birthday?

I'll have to remind my mum so that I can yell, "HAPPY BIRTHDAY AUNT LAURA!" through the phone while she's wishing her little sister happy birthday. xD

I flutter in a million different ways when I think of Will. I love hearing his voice when we're apart, and I love hearing his voice when we're together. They're completely different, but at the same time, they're the same. The phone really jacks up his depth and he sounds a lot deeper on the phone sometimes. And then when you hear it in person you remember how it really sounds when it gets truly deep. It's magical. I'm not making sense, but I've been blabbering all night.

Did I mention how great Will smells? Lately it has been even better than it was before. Idk what changed. xD LOL! And on Sunday his kisses were like Hot Chocolate. I hate Hot Chocolate, but it just made me crave his lips even more. 'Nuff of the mushy stuff.

I wanna pop the blister. But I would really not look forward to the itchy healing afterwards. Even though it could possibly scare epically if I do it a certain way. Not that .. I do that when I get blisters. [you totally can't tell either] I have like a hundred on my arms from burning myself with various things.

From food/oil; candle wax/fire; to fried wires and straighteners and frying pans. Not to mention this car muffler thing. God, that one still hurts every time I think about it.

Maybe if I see Will, I'll let him look at it. Even though he rubbed the fact that the last time he burned himself he did it on purpose, just like I did. I was like, "No way, you did not."
And he was like, "Yeah. I did. I wanted to see if I could feel it."
"You totally can, unfortunately the pan stuck and took my skin with it, which took it longer to heal."
"I don't remember when that was though."

And now Painted On My Heart > The Cult is playing, which means it's time for Kelsey to go to bed.

You make me want to vomit 'cause I'm so angry.
You make me want to punch a fuckin' baby.
You physically ail me with your words.
You sicken me to the core.

And no, this is not a poem for you. This is the goddamn truth. You fucking disappoint me, you've made me cry so hard that I just passed out 'cause I couldn't cry anymore. You've made me so angry that I've literally almost punched a hole in the wall. You've said so many stupid things that you made me throw up, you destroyed my record of keeping my bile in my stomach, and you made me throw up because you got me so angry, so depressed, and so disappointed.

The bad outweighs the good now. But we didn't have many memories to begin with. No matter how hard you try, you're still not going to like the outcome of getting me back. Because I'm not coming back. I'm finally saying no to someone who isn't good for me. And that's you.

What I just said here was acrimonious, because you make me choleric, apoplectic and wroth with rage and hate.
All.
Because.
Of.
You.

I would keep touch, considering it can be one of the most intimate or aggressive things for me. Plus, I already know what it's like to be blind and not be able to hear anything. Taste isn't that important to me, and some people smell terrible when they pass by me, so I'd willingly give that one up in a heart beat, even if it meant not being able to taste my mothers' cooking. [let alone smell the gorgeous smells she cooks up]

To me. =] Happy birthday, to me. Happy birthday dear seventeen year old me~E! Happy birthday to me.

"Drink the poison when you think it's over,
Stabbing yourself when you think it's too late,
Tragic endings are the same, You love them,
You love letting go 'cause the endings the same,
Drink the poison when you think it's over,
Inevitable, Verona lives inside of you." ~ Your Sword Versus My Dagger > Silverstein.

Will is gonna wear his Silverstein shirt today. -purrs- He's damn fine in it.

Last night I cried a fuckton, and then a fuckton more.
People don't treat me like an adult, and last night I had someone tell me that I was backing out on something because of my lame excuse for not wanting a tattoo. Which was, my point of view was the obeying the law responsibility not to mention logicality.

And then I fought with Fayth after that. I was already crying, but I hadn't meant to fight. I was mainly avoiding conflict, but that didn't seem to work. =/

Then there was drama between the F69's. Not a whole lot of fun happens when there's drama between us. But for the main part, things were sorted and fixed.

Today should be a good day. Will, mum and I are going to the movies, then we're gonna go to Steak N' Shake, head home and make cupcakes, sing Happy Birthday and then I'm pretty certain mum is going to take Will home after that. Unless Chris picks him up. -nodnod-

Just maybe it's time for me to stop giving a fuck.

Absolutely awful. To the point where I feel like puking, to the point where I nearly puked completely. Instead I just puked in my mouth, cried a little bit, coughed a fuckton, and puked in my mouth again.

And the funny thing is, my bathroom is right next to my parents' room and I was coughing really loud, and the one time I wanted my mum to come and save me, she wasn't there. =[ But I know that she's nearly getting sleep now, so I suppose, in a way, that's good.

I don't blame her. I just need her.

[wow, and i almost hurled all over my computer at "coughing really loud"]

Because I'm clearly epic in my amazing ability to place a Tenacious D lyric as my subject. Which, by the way, comes from 'Fuck Her Gently', needless to say that was pretty fun to hear for the first seventy times.

I've lost my ability to be incredibly witty. And I'm only nearly seventeen. How unlike me is it to be not witty? Seriously? In losing that, I've lost a lot of my confidence, well what was left of it after ten people had their turns battering it down - is now gone.

Haha, and now I'm incredibly pissed off. Like incredibly pissed. Only one person has seen me this angry before, and that's the same person I'm incredibly pissed off at. Even though that person wants to go get tattoos with me on my seventeenth birthday and treat me to a birthday lunch. But what the fuck ever.

First I'm not allowed to sound irritated, just sound, not actually be. God forbid I'm acutely irritated to where it comes out in my voice as I get interrupted for the twentieth time today. God forbid I get a little upset when someone moves my laundry to the dryer without asking around to see whose it is, let alone need to remove something from it because it's not supposed to be dried in the dryer.

Second I'm not allowed to ask people to come back to me. No, because that's against the laws of nature. Every small not so wrong thing I do is big enough to ruin my chances of apologizing because, despite spending time with my bf and his family yesterday and being forced to eat ham - twice!, I've had a really god awful day and I'm just a little bit more than exhausted at the moment.

Third I'm not allowed to be exhausted. Because apparently I don't do shit. Well, my sincerest apologies for being a failure to my fucking family. I realize my lack of dedication and devotion has gotten me disappointed looks before, but now I just see it all the time. I'm not allowed to want to be a teenager for once, just for once, to be happy enough to where not a miniscule thought of self loathing has entered my mind. I'm not allowed to have a life while everybody else gets to have a life.

Fourth I'm not allowed to have a boyfriend. Yet again Kelsey doing shit with him, whether it be laughing or kissing, is a big no-no! Curse me, spit on my bones after I'm dead, but don't give me some shit about how I've changed because I'm with someone. It may look like I've changed but that's because no one has ever seen me happy before. Happy enough to believe, from my own self, that I was beautiful.

I'm not beautiful anymore, I'm still a failure, I'm still worthless, I'm still a giant bitch who doesn't give a fuck about people's laundry, and I'm still an irritated cow who has to take out her 'unliking of the world' moments out on people she cares about.

Did I mention I'm not allowed to complain, because that's what I'm always doing, isn't it?

I'm becoming impatient and to be frank, quite annoyed. You don't tell me you're going to do something and then not to it. That just makes me want to hurt you, really badly. It's awful, I know, but right now I'm tired and I don't want to wait for the phone to ring any longer. [but i will, only knowing that no one is going to call me like they said they would]

So right now, doing laundry while listening to the Dear Agony album by Breaking Benjamin will suffice as entertainment until my eyes can't stay open any longer. [because you know i'll wait forever to hear his voice] I dunno if people know how much they can really break me without even trying. Like saying something they think I won't take to heart is something I take to heart.

Because I'm a personal person, everything you say to me, every little smile or frown, or touch and sigh is something that I take personally. Of course I'm stuck here, basically not allowed to keep saying that while everyone else gets to babble on about something that I already know about. [what can you do]

I read like I'm some depressed teenager. I think it's quite interesting to go back and read some of my older LJ entries, how much in just the short time that I've written in this thing I've already changed. However, I happen to be an extremely emotional person, I'm bound to change quickly to fit in. I don't want to be seen, I just want to exist half the time.

Some people force me to be seen though. Like I try to blend in, but something about their nature, their aura, bashes my wall to pieces and lets my inner -painfully dull- light show. I suppose that's my old self showing through, the part of me that was always invisible.

"I'm used to being invisible, people just walk through me."
"But I saw you, and I'm glad I did. And what I see is what I love, and that is you."

That makes me want to cry when I think about it.

And I'm a hard girl, loving me is like chewing on pearls.

So yet again people are basically telling me how I should live my life, and once more I'm not allowed to stick up for myself because then I'm being the hostile one or I'm being the loud one. Pfft, whatever. I'm gonna fucking punch the shit out of the next person who crosses me.

And I don't give a flying fuck if you didn't mean to do it either, or if it was a joke. Especially if you're teasing me. I really, really hate that. Oh, and the next person to be negative around me is gonna get an ear full, because I'm tired of it. [unless you're a certain individual, and then i understand because i'd want to talk to her about the same thing if i was in that position]

Today I ate cookies. It's been a really long time since I've actually eaten a cookie cookie. Ugh, and then much later in the evening I ate a flamethrower chicken wrap, and let's just say I hope I puke all over my doctor tomorrow.

For the fifteenth time today, Happy Anniversary, Will. =]
[even though he won't read that xD]

Tomorrow is going to be, different. Rodger is taking me to my appointment, and then we're gonna go to Winchester and hopefully further, but I highly doubt we will. I hope I'm back in time to hang out with Will, if not I'll let him sleep in on Saturday and then just see if I can hang out with him then. ^^

I got to see Fayth today! Haha, that was fun. =] We fail at climbing up and down shit. I just had amazing, unknown balance today. Rare, ferserious.

My neck hurts from playing Rock Band with Rodger. lol Price to pay I suppose. And now my back hurts 'cause I'm slouching way bad. Way to go me.

I'm tired. And angry. And ... not happy about someone's actions.
I also miss Will. xD

I'm not going to like it much. I mean I will if I get to see Will, but if I don't, I'm not going to like it.

Today is our two month anniversary. [btw, i love how when i'm saying i'm one thing, people say they are too and make the conversation about themselves] All I really want to to is just see him, that's all that matters. Because we missed our first anniversary together. He had things to do if I remember correctly. And I was out shopping, I think. lol

That bridge. Gosh, it's gonna have so many great memories on it. I'm amazed people don't spaz out and become really [even more of a btw, i'm a total bitch after getting bitched at, being called a liar and a hypocrite, and you guess it, a bitch] happy when they walk on it. xD It's got a lot of great energy on it.

DQ has a lot of great memories in it too. And the many paths Will and I take when we're walking.

I believe I mentioned calling him my hero. But I never really gave the true reason as to why he actually is.

Will saved me. First by offering his friendship, then his unconditional love, and then his strength when I'm not able to stand by myself. [like yesterday] He didn't have to sit there and talk to me, ride rides with me, or give me advice on a situation that I had been so lost in for a really long time. But he did. And he did it with a smile and a calm vibe.

He didn't have to hug me under the stars and whisper how he wanted to kiss me but was too shy to do it. He didn't have to hold my hand in Hastings when we weren't dating. And he didn't have to sit next to me in Steak N' Shake and smile at me when I made some sexually awkward joke. [lol, i'm so awkward] But he did. And he did it because he was falling in love with me.

And he didn't have to offer his strength, his protective energy, or his heart to me, but he did. And in loving me and being my best friend who I can run to when I'm afraid or sad or hurt, he saved me from a whole lot of dark things that I was preparing for in my life.

I guess that's mushy, dramatic, and teenage angst ridden; but I really wasn't expecting my life to go anywhere. I was just gonna get a regular job that I hated, date a man I didn't love, and be in a place I didn't want to be in, all while knowing what I really want in life.

Which I'm finding to become a reality. Even just some of the things are great to know. Even if what I want doesn't happen, I still have Will and Fayth. =] Oh, and my parents of course. lol

People suck. Just getting that out there.

And it didn't take two weeks for me to change my playlist, I'm amazing.

I Like It Rough > Lady GaGa
Bad Romance > Lady GaGa
Good Girls Go Bad > Cobra Starship ft. Leighton Meester
Remember December > Demi Lovato
Take Me On The Floor > The Veronicas
Guilty Pleasure > Cobra Starship
Starstruck > Lady GaGa
Grace Kelly > Mika
Kiss From A Rose > Seal
Venus > Bananarama

It's become a need, no longer a want. I'd go into detail, but I really don't feel like it at this hour, considering it's like three something.

Yesterday, or Monday, whichever, I was basically forced to apologize for something that wasn't even my doing. But whatever, I'm used to breaking my back bending over so that people can get what they want from me. I mean, really, go ahead. Continue to blame me for something I didn't do, or continue to say I did something to you when, yes sweetie, you've done it to me at least thirty times. But I never bitched about it or asked for an apology.

I figured I didn't have to. Never got any apologies, but what can you do? I'm used to not getting those either. Someone can really hurt the fuck out of my feelings, but they won't ever say they're sorry. Because Kelsey never asks for it. So Kelsey doesn't get it.

[i shouldn't haven't to ask for an apology, but whatthefuck ever, it's too fucking late now]

I'll always hold a grudge against you. Thanks for being a dick. I hope you burn in hell.
Actually, I really don't, because that's where I'm going to be, and I really don't want to see your fucking face there for the rest of my death. Considering I have, hopefully, many more lives to live after that. I'll suffer for only a little bit.

Other than my extreme anger towards one specific individual who shall remain nameless; I get to see Will again today. If I ever get to sleep. 'Cause when I wake up I have to shower. T_T I'll either blow dry my hair so that I can straighten it, or I'll just let it dry out and get really frizzy.

Psht, I'll probably do something awesome with it. -rolls eyes- Yeah right.
God, I hate people.

Don't fucking say you want to talk to me and then not be on.
I'm literally starting to get so fucking angry that I have to live my life around everybody else's, just to make them happy. So meanwhile, I'm leaving certain people wondering where I am because someone had to do shit, someone had to take a fucking long ass time to get shit done.

But whatthefuck ever.
I don't give a fuck anymore.

You're the perfect lullaby.

I wonder who's gonna fight who tonight ...

Playlist of the Naow~
Thank You > MoZella
Mercy > Duffy
Bad Romance > Lady GaGa
Sweet Dreams > Beyonce
Russian Roulette > Rihanna
Good Girls Go Bad > Cobra Starship ft. Leighton Meester
Bohemian Rhapsody > Emilie Autumn
Beauty Is In The Eyes Of The Beerholder > I Set My Friends On Fire
Lips Like Morphine > Kill Hannah
Remember December > Demi Lovato

It'll probably change in like, two weeks or less. Idk.
Haha, my mum dyed my hair and it's beautiful. It's a lot lighter than the blood red I've usually had, but I like it a lot. Well, I don't like it, I love it. 'Cause it's fantastic. My roots are orange! Without bleaching. [haha]


I need to shower. =//

I didn't get to see Will today. That pissed me off to the point where I cried. 'Cause I fucking can't drive. And then my dad was like, "You can see the boys, but I'm not driving you." Then I told my mum about it and she was like, "And I don't know anything else to do."

WTF! Mum, you can drive too. You can't drop me and my little sister off at DQ or fucking Shell for that matter? We can walk from there. But whatever. And I bet he's not even going to call me, so yeah. I'm just all happy and shit, can't you fucking tell?

Like, emotionally and physically, I'm exhausted. Forget about my mentality, that flew out the window a long time ago. And spiritually. Well, Will has my spirit so, I'm tired there too.

People just keep piling their shit on to me. [and for some, i don't mind it, because when i say i want to help, i mean i want to help, i don't like seeing her sad, you know?] So now I'm feeling like a bad friend, a bad sister, and a bad girlfriend. 'Cause I'm making Will upset that I'm not happy.

I was so happy today. So very happy. Up until I read something, and then that happiness slipped away. I got it back when I saw Will [after watching movies of people being in love and kissing and me wishing that was what i was doing instead of what i was watching] and I got to laugh with him for a bit at home.

Then we went to the basketball game at the high school. Probably the biggest mistake of my life. I mean, I got to see Ryan, I did an epic jump hug and didn't get the wind knocked out of me 'cause my back didn't pop when I landed on him, and I got to see Tonya. Which is always fun.

I don't like being fucking accused of doing something I'm not. And I fucking hate being called a cunt. Do people seriously want me going on a mass-murdering spree? Let alone from my best friend, that's where I really don't want to hear it coming from.

I get that me having a boyfriend changes things for a lot of people. And once again, I'll fucking sacrifice the only sliver of happiness in my life, just so people can have old Kelsey back. But just because I finally get to kiss someone in public, after watching people do that in front of me for the past two years, doesn't mean you get to yell at me and call me names. And just because the palms of my hands are on his chest, does not mean you get to fucking accuse me of doing something that I'm not. [because he knows that my boobs are off limits, and we weren't even "getting into it"]

I mean, honestly, I get it. Seeing me happy is probably very strange and unnerving for some people. But why do I have to suffer while everybody else gets their love, gets their happiness, gets their warm hugs and sweet kisses? Some people now know what I went through while I was single, while I wanted to love and be loved, while I was fully prepared for it and then had it, once more, taken away from me because -once again- I just wasn't good enough for people.

Walking through life feeling that way? Yeah, that was me. I got very pessimistic and anti-social. And now I fucking remember why I never had friends, why I never dated, and why I never, ever told my parents something that someone did in my family. [sorry for being an older sister and caring]

I know exactly what it's like to be all alone. Exactly. And just because I'm fucking happy, does not give you the fucking right to spout bull shit off to me about how I've never been alone, never been sad or never cared.

Just because I have Will, the man I love and officially wish to marry once I'm old enough, does not ever [i will repeat again] ever give you the right to say I don't give a shit about you. Because there is literally no one, but the one who has known you your entire life or close to it, out there in this world that will care about you more than I care about you.

Because yes. I care that effin' much.
I care so much that every time you say no one cares about you, I get sick.
I care so much that every time you forget I exist because you're so fucking sad and feeling sorry for yourself, that I feel worthless, I feel like nothing, I feel like I'm not even supposed to be in this particular space zone.
And I care so goddamn much about you, that I will love you [even if i dislike you, or haven't see you in a gajillion years] until the day I die.

Because I care. I will always care.
And I know for a fact that I've made that promise to you.
I'm not a person who breaks their promises often, if ever.

And ew, I just ate a piece of homework.
[you know who you are[; ]

On a very sad note; As I was leaving Will, I gave him a kiss goodnight and then said goodnight. I whispered I loved him and he said he loved me too. I could feel tears in my eyes 'cause I'm not going to see him until Sunday, maybe. Anyways, dad was pulling away and I could feel myself wanting to scream as I looked back at him and saw him looking at the car as we drove away.

I wanted to run out of the car and never leave his side, the feeling was so intense that [at the same time of feeling extreme love and sadness] I wanted to hurl all over everything. My heart ached so badly I thought it was going to crack my ribs, and I'm fucking crying while writing this because I miss him so much.

And it's not fair. I don't get to see him everyday, I don't get to hang out with him everyday, I don't get to see those half-crooked smiles and that raised eyebrow that's the expression on his face when he wants to know what I'm thinking. I hate being so happy that when I'm without him I feel so ... lost.

It's an angel!

You remember in Constantine how the guy drinks himself to death without even realizing it and then the store clerk hovers over him? After that Mr. Suit Man walks in and his eyes glow as he looks at the clerk, the clerk stands up and wings appear out of his shoulder blades?

Well, I remember one of the last times Will, Chris, Mara and I were in Richmond and this old lady needed help. Will said he would of gone to help her if he didn't fear her using her walker to beat him. [because she looked like one of those ladies] Then a man helped her and you could just see his wings and sense that he was generally a good person.

Will wouldn't stop thinking about how he could of helped her. It's funny how we base goodness on our appearance. Because I think Will dresses great, his clothes send off a very relaxed vibe and he's often a fairly calm person. [unless he's feeling threatened] However, other people see his gauged ears and the one visible tattoo on his wrist and think him a bad person. [not so, people, not so]

So, in the end, he asked me what I would be. A demon or an angel. [after we had this slightly long conversation about how he was an angel] And I never told him that I would most likely be a fallen angel. Good and bad. My wings were clipped and so I'm spiteful at times. I just think that I'm one of those people that chooses to be nice, but is secretly hateful [although it's not really a secret] and is very hard and reserved.

We got to talking about how we built walls and how his crumbled as soon as he and I fell into step and had a decent conversation. Then he said he could sense my wall and how unwilling I was to let it down. But then I told him something that only Rodger knows; behind that wall is another wall, and behind the second wall is a box. This box holds almost everything that is dark about me and rarely lets anything come out. You think I'm kidding, but I'm not.

Needless to say, he barricaded his way through the first wall and talked me into letting down the second wall, and accepts the fact that I have demons, very dark and unrelenting demons, that I can't just let go of. No matter how hard I try to slowly open that box, I either find myself wide-eyed and fearful, as if my life is in danger. Or I'm extremely angry and depressed. So I'm forced to keep it shut. Forced to always know what's really going on inside my own head.

And, let me tell you, it is nothing pleasant. Although I put that box in there, I'm fairly certain, one of these days, the box is just going to explode. We'll just have to wait and see what happens then.

That I dislike not using my Jim Halpert icons as submission photos? Because you know, you know I know that you know, that I'm obsessed with The Office and Jim Halpert. -nodnod- So don't deny me of my fan-girlismness.

I just wrote a song and could feel myself getting sad. 'Cause it's a sad song, and it's about breaking up with someone [not entirely sure, just in general losing the person you love] and trying to get them back, but both parties know that it's best that they aren't together. Even though it hurts to be apart.

I'll give you a linkie-dink to the song here in a minute. [which i might sing, or might not, it really depends on the flow of things]

Guess what people didn't do? Like I always say, no one listens to me. Dad got me tickets to see TSO on December 17th. I can't wait. I could literally piss my pants 'cause I'm so effin' happy. Mum got me an outfit to wear to my first concert, which would be the TSO thing I'm going to with Zombie, Rapeface and Destery. I'm pretty happy.

I need to start doing chores so that I have money for Christmas, to get people gifts. 'Cause I'm really lacking in that right now. This is the first Christmas that I'm gonna have to penny pinch on, and I hate that. I guess I got used to have like, three hundred dollars saved up for Christmas ... Yeah, I didn't go out much, as you can probably see.

In about an hour I'll have listened to all the songs Flyleaf has ever made. Two days ago I listened to all the songs The Veronicas and SKSK have ever made.

Haha, and I'm watching a fuck load of movies again. Will and I won't be able to see each other for a bit. And this weekend he'll be at his dads. I'm gonna see if I can't make this weekend better than the last time he was away from me.

Ah, and Rodger got me a new heater fan, 'cause mine broke. It's a loud fucker, but what do you expect? At least my room can be warm now. =]

And a warning to those who will ever be in the car with me while I drive, I can get fairly angry, and I lack the ability to control my speed. [okay, so that last part is a lie, i just like to speed xD] Today, because I was driving the truck home from Winchester with my mum [the most important person in my life] in the passenger seat, was the most I've ever cussed infront of my own mother. I'm sorry, but if you're being a douche on the road, while my mother is in the car, and I fear for her safety, I will literally destroy you.

I still have to kill the one guy who nearly hit us. And hey, I was on my side of the fucking highway.

Honestly, you have absolutely no idea how badly I just want to hurl on everything. However, I have this awful curse that only allows me to chuck when I have the flu. And guess what Kelsey doesn't have? The flu.

I hate how negative people have been lately. Like it's not just my friends, it's my family too. And all of this is bouncing on to me, causing that much needed happiness that I've finally taken hold of, to slowly ebb away as if it never existed at all.

I hate, absolutely hate, when my friends compare themselves to other people. Or compare their lives to other peoples'. Saying that someone has everything and not knowing the full history behind it, makes you look like a complete jack-ass.

Perfect couple my ass. Anyone who thinks Will and I are a perfect couple, clearly do not see us in person all that often. If ever. We have our fights, our petty arguments, but we fight even harder to get past our differences. I don't down myself all the time anymore, and he doesn't look at his hand like it's a curse.

Easy life my ass. I've never had the easy life. I didn't get the things that I really wanted, or even just plain wanted. I wasn't ever paid attention to unless my little sister was around. Or at least the attention that I wanted. It took me nearly seventeen years to truly appreciate someone who has been in my life since birth, and I'm still seen as a slight nuisance.

I get bitched at for being skinny and having "flawless" skin. [although, i get fucked over at least once a month and never get to be upset about it because it's "not as bad as mine"] I'm not allowed to want to lose weight, or want to think about getting plastic surgery.

For nearly six years I only saw my dad on weekends, and sometimes birthday's. If that. Before that, when I was even younger, I'd only get to see him a night, just before I went to bed. And if I woke up real early, I'd get to eat cheerios with him before he went to work.

I had to grow up faster. Which means I've suppressed a lot of child-like behaviors. I've been responsible for my little sisters' actions since she was born. For awhile I was my mothers' personal nurse, to this day I still do almost everything she asks of me.

And for the majority of my life I've had to deal with the brunt of everyone's most private emotions, and most private secrets. Because I was the only, and still am the only one, that they trust enough to tell such things to. That kind of knowledge isn't easy to contain, and often has me struggling between breaking the faith of one person, or destroying the trust of another.

It explains why, for a time, I didn't have friends. At all.

Sure, I lived in a big house, but it was only to accommodate my family of six. Sure I had expensive things, but that's what my dad gets to do when he worked in an office for nearly thirty years. [and did i mention they forcefully retired him before his thirty years in service? do you know the kind of anger i hold against the miltary for that, when six months later he could of gotten the job back?] Sure I got to see the world, but I lost so many people along that road that it still haunts me today. Sure I've never experienced the loss of a dear loved one [human], but I've lost animals that could make even the cold-hearted of cold-hearted people burst with warmth and love.

Everything I have, clothes, books, movies, friends, a boyfriend ... I had to work for that. And that job wasn't ever easy. It still isn't.

So before you assume my life is perfect, and I have everything I could ever want, you need to remember that just because a person looks happy on the outside, does not ever mean they look happy on the inside. Didn't your mother always say, "Never judge a book by its cover?"

We're all just stories, waiting to be heard.

[how'd you like my different words for vomit at the beginning? i do what i can, you know?]

The bond between myself and Will, although it'll be difficult considering the majority of the bonding is not through words or through touch, or even emotions. It's basically this energy, an aura per se, that just engulfs us when we're around each other or when we're thinking of one another.

I'm gonna tell you what his energy feels like [because he's a wiccan and energy is important to them, as it is to me] to try and make what I say believable, and understandable. His energy is strong but gentle, like a trees' trunk; and the leaves in the canopy swaying in the wind, it breathes in waves and paces my heart to match his. [in fact, when we're around each other, our heart beats match] And feeling as the tingling waves roll through my body is like ... pop rocks in your mouth, or soda on your tongue. Lingering there even when you separate.

It's the most beautiful thing that I've ever felt from someone. And since he's a Taurus his sign coincides with that of Earth, and it matches him as close to perfectly as I believe in that word. [which, i really don't, but there isn't another word out there that describes how it really is]

Apparently the energy I exude is hard to define, even for Mara [who's energy is basically bubbles popping all over your body, it's really cool], so I suppose it's hard to say what it is like for Will when he and I share our energy. But the closest, though they both say is still not the right thing, form of describing it is that it's like a fiery whirl pool. It takes and then gives back as much as it can. And it's prickly, like flames licking harmlessly [though the sensation is there] against finger tips, or arms. [which ever part of him i'm touching. xP]

And he says he's never felt this kind of energy link between anyone before. I believe him. 'Cause I know that I've never experienced anything like it between a person. I've tried, but there was always something or someone hindering my want for that connection.

He says I'm one of the only people he knows that seems to be questioning everything and nothing at once. [haha, wow, coughing fit much?] He's curious to know what's on my mind when I get that particular expression on my face. Which he saw today as I was being a perfectionist, by complete accident, for the items around my room. It was worse than usual for some reason. Anyways, he said I had that look on my face, and there really wasn't anything on my mind but him.

It saddens me though, because people have a difficult time telling me what kind of person I am. All they can come up with is usually, "Good, kind-hearted" things that I've been called since I was little and didn't know better. It's not that I really want to know, but I want to hear [i guess] something I've never heard come from someone's lips towards me. [and i still don't know what that would be]

Aha, fuck my life sometimes. My heater fan finally decided to die on me, so now my room is going to be bitterly cold. And as the season drops in temperature, my dark room drops faster. -headdesk- Although I'm going to try to hold off on triple layers until I seriously can't handle it anymore. Maybe I'll ask for a heater fan for my birthday. xD [thirty days later]

Tonight was a really great night. I'm not gonna lie. [as for halloween, we basically just went to richmond, acted like retards, then went to winchester to get something to eat [['cause apparently people still don't listen to me whenever i tell them we should stay somewhere]] and went to wal-mart to pick stuff up. but that was it. xD]